One cold, dark, short day in February, I was scrolling through my social media feed, and I stopped on a post featuring pictures of a goofy white dog with brown spots and giant ears and a request from a local animal rescue organization for someone to adopt or foster her. She was 35 pounds and six years old and had already had quite a life. She was evacuated from Puerto Rico during Hurricane Maria, adopted by a family that loved her, but has having issues with her since they had a baby and realized for the good of the dog and their family, they needed to surrender her back to the rescue.
I love dogs and have experience with them. So, on a bit of a whim, I sent off an email to the adoption coordinator and figured it was long odds that I’d hear back.
Within a week, Daisy was dropped off at my home. She was utterly confused and scared of every sound in the neighborhood and the second floor of the house (though not the stairs) for the first few days.
The adoption coordinator and her previous family told me that she was cuddly and lazy (she played in the yard, but wasn’t being walked), didn’t like other dogs, or bicycles, and wasn’t good with kids.
I share all this not because I want you to know that I fostered a dog (though it is a fun excuse to include some pics of Daisy on my blog) but because my 68 days with Daisy had so many unexpected connections to doing the work of social change! Here are a few that come to mind!
The social media post that Daisy was in need of a foster.
1. Mutuality Over Charity
Often when I’d walk Daisy and be chatting with another person, I’d mention she was a foster and available for adoption. Lots of people would respond “You’re so good for doing this, I never could.”
They saw how I was helping Daisy by providing a safe home, food and treats, and walks, but what they didn’t see was that Daisy was helping me just as much! As I shared back in December, I was feeling of low spirits and high anxiety this winter, gotten out of the routine of exercising, and was missing hugs and snuggles after a series of visits with my partner and friends and family around the holidays. Daisy helped me with all of these things – through her presence, our walks, and nighttime Korean drama watching sessions snuggled up on the couch.
How Daisy and I both contributed and benefitted from our relationship echoed the teachings of mutual aid. We didn’t and couldn’t do the exact same things for one another, but like in the best social change collaborations I’ve been involved with – we both contributed to and benefited from our relationship.
When Daisy and I snuggled, we both benefitted!
2. Routine Provides Safety
Hearing about Daisy’s life in her previous home, my working hypothesis was that part of her path to becoming more herself and being a happy dog again was to develop a routine. So, from day one, we got up in the morning for a two mile walk, ate some breakfast, she snoozed in my office while I worked and got a treat when I needed her to chill for a late afternoon call, then we headed out on another two mile walk in the evening, ate dinner, and usually hung out together on the couch in the evening, before our final walk around the block at night.
While she was super skiddish and resistant to these walks at the start, Daisy started to enjoy them as she got more used to the routine (and me), started tuning out the the sounds of the neighborhood, and started meeting more neighbors who showered her with pets and compliments and other dogs who wanted to play. Unlike what her previous family had told me, she was interested in them all. She especially loved wrestling with some younger dogs in the park in the evenings and chasing every squirrel, bird, rat, racoon we saw!
After we had a well established routine, Daisy was able to go on new adventures - like hiking in Rock Creek Park (which she really enjoyed). Ht Ana Montero for the picture!
Just as Daisy’s routine provided the safety for her to try new things and meet new people and dogs, routine in collaborative social change work – from how meetings are structured and facilitated with humanity, and establishing and stewarding norms and agreements -- can provide the psychological safety for us as people to try new things too! Whether it is asking critical questions, sharing “out there” ideas, or like with Daisy – building deeper relationships and understanding of one another and the world around us.
Daisy’s daily walking routine always took us past this blue wall and one day she insisted I take a photo of her posing in front of it.
3. Practice Doesn’t Make Perfect, But Will Help Us Improve
The adage “practice makes perfect” is false. Also, let’s let go of perfect (ht Tema Okun). But, practice does help us improve! With Daisy, we had lots of things that we had to practice – basic commands, sitting until she was invited to eat her kibble, not jumping on people, greeting dogs without barking like crazy.
In our social change work, building new behaviors and mindsets – whether practicing deep listening and asking open-ended questions (ht Adam Kahane) or integrating deep equity (ht Sheryl Petty and Mark Leach) to into ourselves, relationships, and every part of the work we’re doing – can feel uncomfortable as we build new skills and have new experiences. And while we’ll never be perfect, we will improve, and with it our work and its positive impact has the possibility to grow!
Daisy at an adoption event where she got a lot of practice not barking at the other adoptable dogs.
4. Take Frequent Naps & Walks
You know what Daisy was great at? Naps! She would curl up in her fuzzy donut dog bed or next to me on the couch or on the back deck and just snooze and then 20 minutes or an hour or two later she would get up and want attention refreshed and ready for what came next. Over time, she also came to love going for walks and would get so excited to get outside. Often, when we’d reach one of her favorite parks, she’d flop down in the grass and enjoy how it felt against her back as the sun shined on her face and I laughed and snapped pictures.
Daisy is a reminder of the many, many teachers including Adrienne Maree Brown, The Nap Ministry, and Charles Darwin who teach and model the importance of naps and walks (and other forms of pleasure) especially when doing work that requires intense thinking and is deeply connected to our humanity! A great reminder that when we hit a proverbial “wall” in our work, instead of putting our head down and trying to muscle through until we “find the solution,” it helps to grab a friend – human or canine – and go for a walk or take a nap.
5. Change At The Pace We Can Stand
Daisy on the night before she went to her forever home!
As I noted, when Daisy arrived at my home in early March, we’d never met before and she’d never been to my home. She was notably freaked out, which made me very attuned to giving her time and space to get comfortable and the pacing of new activities and experiences (like riding in the car, walking new routes, playing with other dogs, and having friends over.)
However, in late April we met the lovely couple who would adopt her. They came to visit her and we all went for a walk. They were smitten, and unlike when she was dropped off at my home unceremoniously at the beginning of our time together, we visited their home twice and did walks nearby before Daisy’s official “Gotcha Day.” When I dropped Daisy off at their home, she was happy and comfortable – enjoying rubbing her back all over their lovely carpets and chewing on a bully stick as she watched me exit.
Her forever family has continued this practice, creating their own routine which included four straight weeks of driving her to walks and hikes to prepare her for a roadtrip to Wyoming (you can see from the pics below – she’s thriving).
Like with Daisy, in our social change work we always have to pay attention to the pace at which we’re introducing more and more things into the mix! Too much all at once can be overwhelming and set our collaborators off into fight or flight mode – and there’s enough in the world that is already trying to push us in that direction. Too little, and the status quo remains. There is a sweet spot inbetween where the magic happens – in adaptive leadership, it’s called “the productive zone of disequilibrium.” (HT to Ronald Heifitz, Marty Linksy, and Alexander Grashow).
Daisy on the night before she went to her forever home!
Every week that Daisy was with me, I sent updates and pics to her former family. One pic I sent was of her standing on her back legs, sticking her nose under a fence to say hello to a big dog that was on the other side of the fence in a yard. When they saw it, they commented that “she was a different dog.”
It’s easy to forget how these seemingly small changes – committing to mutuality, building routines, practicing to improve, taking naps and walks, and pacing ourselves – can lead to significant changes in each of us, how we engage with others, and our capacity to working to reshape the world. And sometimes when we are in the process, we don’t notice the progress we’re making so feedback from someone who’s connected, but not involved day-to-day can be really motivating and energizing. My 68 days with Daisy was a reminder of what brown writes in Emergent Strategy “small is good, small is all, small is the reflection of the whole.”
